"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" is a satirical song from the operetta The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. It depicts a military leader, a major-general who is well-educated in every field except the ones that a military leader ought to be knowledgable about.
In 2368, Beverly Crusher convinced Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge to attempt the Major-General's song. However, Geordi's rendition was interrupted when the Enterprise collided with a quantum filament. (TNG: "Disaster")
- Beverly may have thought that Geordi was a good candidate to play this role because of his frequently demonstrated ability to spout polysyllabic technical terms convincingly. (See lyrics below.)
Lyrics
Major-General:
I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
Chorus:
With many cheerful facts, etc.
Major-General:
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.''
Chorus:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
Major-General:
I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
Chorus:
And whistle all the airs, etc.
Major-General:
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Chorus:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
Major-General:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
Chorus:
You'll say a better Major-General, etc.
Major-General:
For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Chorus:
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.